Challenging conversations: your rite of passage
Derek Robertson , CEO
(Chartered FCIPD, MCMI, MInstLM, NLP Practitioner and Coach)
Author of The Great Cape Escapade (A Fable about effective meetings)
6 min read
Introduction
What’s a challenging conversation for you? For some in business it’s the body odour one, others it’s inappropriate behaviours or those about performance.
It’s true that what makes a conversation challenging is different for different people. The outcome however is the same – and that’s to return to effective performance as quickly as possible.
What’s also true is that from every challenging conversation there’s learning and increased capability for you. Capabilities you can then apply to other areas for your life and work.
In this blog we’ll share insights from our decades of supporting people on how to have those challenging conversations. There’s a free helper download too.
Challenging conversations
I’ve called them a rite of passage because:
| Not having them | Having them |
|
Erodes your confidence Sends a message to the person their behaviour is ok Sends a message to others you’re a soft touch Makes your next opportunity to have the conversation less likely |
Boosts your confidence Confirms you'll address non-performance Shows everyone you're commitment to standards Gives you great learning to use in other areas of your life and work |
While all challenging conversations are different here’s three keys to your success.
- Planned flexibility
- The conversation
- Vital follow-up
Planned flexibility
Get super-clear on the specific situation that’s causing you concern:
- What’s the tangible behaviour you’ve observed or performance data that shows the difference between what’s required and what’s happening now?
- What’s the specific effect it’s having on you and/or the team’s performance?
- Think through:
- Where, when will you have the conversation?
- How will the person feel?
- How will you deal with their possible reactions?
- As many ‘what ifs’ as you can. What if they do this, what if they say that and so on.
- Run your mental movie. Play the scenario in your mind: what you’re saying, how they are responding, noticing how you are staying resourceful, keeping everything on point and agreeing actions.
Success here gives you a planned flexibility. You’re ready to deal with whatever comes your way during the conversation.
The conversation
| #1 Contract with the person |
Tell them why you want to speak with them. Set ground rules for the conversation. Establish rapport. Get agreement from them to talk with you about the issue. |
| #2 Disclose the issue |
Be constructive. Remember your facts. Be specific. For example: “You were half-an-hour late returning from lunch each day for the last three days and that needs to change.”, rather than, “You’re timekeeping is bad.” or “You’ve no sense of responsibility.” |
| #3 Listen and reflect |
Concentrate so you fully understand their meaning. If you need to clarify anything; ask. Paraphrase your understanding of what they’ve said and their feelings. |
|
#4 Repeat #2 & #3 |
You may need to restate the issue a number of times to keep them on point. Remind the person of the tangible effect the problem is causing you and how you feel. Keep at it until they agree to help with the situation. |
| #5 Actions |
Perhaps using a coaching approach, you arrive at the person taking ownership of next steps that are agreed (including timescales). Include a review and/or monitoring. |
| #6 Feedback | Give feedback to ensure the person recognises that you appreciate their resolution. |
Your approach
There are many ways to have the same conversation. Here’s four areas to follow.
| Clarity | Let the words do the talking; avoid euphemisms, double talk or talking in circles. Tell people clearly what you mean. |
| Tone |
Keep a more measured tone. Think also about the non-verbal part of your delivery, facial expressions, body language, etc. Emotions are important but not getting emotional. |
| Restraint | There are lots of different ways of saying what you want to say but temper how you say it. The goal is to advance the conversation, to hear and be heard accurately. |
| Ownership | Remember your responsibilities and your goal. Explain the issue is between you and them. There is no need to try to blame anyone else. |
Vital follow up
Always, always follow up. With the person, it’s a case of checking in to make sure that they are ok and that agreed actions are progressing.
As important, is to follow up with yourself. Some questions I always ask myself are:
- How did that go?
- What went according to plan
- What did I not anticipate (and should have)?
- What have I learned for the future?
- What are my actions for next time?
This creates your own virtuous circle of development. You get better all the time because you act, reflect, action plan and apply.
Final thought
Every conversation you have gives you lots of personal development. Once you look at them in this way it’s much easier to have them.
Click below to download a free challenging conversations helper. It includes a worked example.
Your next action
Check out the following free resources and downloads to help you: